教學分享空間

dear Aletha:

 
This is my first essay. please check it for me. Thank you for your help!    

If it's possible , please use different color words  to highlight when you edit the paragraphs, that will be helpful. Thanks a lot!
 Sharon

~~~~~~~~~~~

sharon:
You have done a very good job at writing your 1st essay.  Your thoughts are linear and overall very understandable.  It is just the fine details (devil in the details :) that we will work on first.  Eventually I will start to have you find a higher level word to replace some of the correct words that could just be written at a higher level.
Transition sentences will also be a helpful addition as we move forward with your writing.

I don’t know how easy it will be for you to understand how I have edited but we can talk tomorrow if necessary.
Keep up the good work.
Aletha


On 1/27/10 3:36 PM, "雪倫 sharon" <sharonlp41@hotmail.com> wrote:
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences,

career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university?

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Many people go to university for different reasons. Most of them go there for career preparation, (that¡¦s = that’s) for sure.

Compared to the past,( go  =  going) to university is much easier for many of us, so it is (not unusual to find graduates with a bachelor degree= graduates with a bachelor degree is not unusual.) If we want to get a better job or (get = have) more choices (on = in)finding a job, (go = going) to university will be a good choice.

(One of the benefits of attending a university is that a person will get) instead of just   ‘Getting’   a different and bigger view of live. In University, we can meet all kinds of people there (and with = who come from) different cultures. That would be a good chance to develop our (social abilities = international awareness). We can always get new experiences by attending parties, students clubs or (to volunteer – by volunteering) somewhere. (And – you cannot start a sentence with ‘and’)New friends can also give us (a) different view (of  live = on life).

Increased knowledge is an important part of going to university. People can learn a lot from their major and they have  (add the word ‘a’ ) chance to choose courses  they are interested (in).  There are many free events or speeches for students in university, which can help them to improve themselves in knowledge and to find who they are and what they want.

Some people go back to university after working (for) a period of time. They do that (,) maybe (,) because they need to take a rest for a while, or they can change their profession by getting a different degree, or getting a professional licence (spelling – license).

No matter what, (go = going) to university or college is always a good choice. There are all kinds of possibilities there(, you don’t need a comma before the word ‘and’) and (full of potential = there  is much potential for learning). If anyone wants to learn more, and promote himself (by education = with education), (these are  = this is ) the place(s) that he should be.

Things to watch out for:

Make sure the TENSE stays in the same person throughout the essay.

Adding ‘ing’ changes the tense